What Not to Wear: Max Effort Edition

I  could write about the workout with which I’m faced today–both squatting and deadlifting will be performed, as well as multiple other exercises, and it will be tough. I could write about the psychological aspects of facing a “tough” workout; the level of work my training asks of me at the moment is on average more than I have engaged in up until now in my relatively short lifting life, and adjusting to it has been both a physical and mental trial. I’m not going to write about this. I will at some point in time; today is not that point.

Today, we’re mining the subject of what to wear while lifting, or rather, what not to wear, or even more specifically, Victoria’s Secret Pink (apparently officially VS PINK  should one troll Victoria’s Secret’s website in search of this particular) and its “workout” subsection. Prepare yourself, this is weighty material.

As a face-saving precursor to this post, I want to say right now that I hate shopping for clothing, particularly clothing gendered as feminine. Dresses are rough. Items intended to go underneath dresses are even worse. I appreciate well-crafted bras that fit as much as any woman–that said, I cannot find any, and don’t remember what wearing such a garment is like at this point–but I do NOT like wandering around in Victoria’s Secret looking for them. I would never choose to do so unless given a $50 gift certificate to the store in question, which occurred this past Christmas. The fact that it took me until the end of May to actually GO to VS is, hopefully, sufficient evidence of my distaste for the activity.

Upon walking into VS’s pink-and-black-doused-in-lace interior, I was, of course, attacked. Sales Chick pounces/says hello and I respond in kind, probably kind of grimacing because I just can’t put on a game face like she can for this initial exchange. She asks if she can help with anything and I attempt to justify why a slobbish form vaguely identifiable as female is in VS (the indicators for this identity in VS stores apparently include wearing a lot of makeup, and whatever I’ve got on that day is whatever’s left over from the day before, and there wasn’t much there on THAT day and it wasn’t well-applied to begin with). I say that I’ve got this gift card to use and she then talks about the “sales”–I assume this means items that are roughly only 85% more expensive than it the amount of money it took to produce them or what the materials they’re made of are worth, as opposed to a 95% markup. Her rundown includes a mention of yoga pants. My ears perk. I wear yoga pant-ish things working out. Yoga capris, I think, is how one would characterize my favorite item of apparel worn during a lifting session. I could pick up another pair here! Brilliant!

I make my way in the direction she indicates and find piles of black stretchy pants. As someone who owns piles of black stretchy pants specifically for workouts, I SHOULD be happy with the situation in which I suddenly find myself. What dampens my joy is the fact that every single pair of these pants has some sort of garishly patterned or colored (often both) four-inch thick band running around the waist, and from this band blares the phrase “LOVE PINK” or just “PINK.” Yeah, I can’t get on board with wearing this while squatting. I can’t. I don’t want to be a walking advertisement for even Nike; VS, with its magenta-smothered customer base, does not, I suspect, need my endorsement, and I don’t need its connotations on the top of my ass when I bend over for a good morning rep or while deadlifting a couple hundred pounds.

These will not help your squat, alright? Alright. Image courtesy the VS PINK website.

Anyone can wear whatever they want while working out as long as it doesn’t somehow endanger anyone else. And I can judge what people wear as much as I want, particularly in the gym, because if there’s anywhere where judging is an unavoidable component of social existence, it’s in well-populated gym. So I’m not wearing yoga pants with PINK on them because VS and a power rack do not a match make. Also, I’m pretty sure they take at least 10 lb off your squat alone; who knows what wearing the VS PINK line does to your accessory lift numbers.

So, what DID I use my gift certificate to buy at VS that day? Fluorescent hot pink underwear. I leave you to ponder the veracity of that statement.


2 thoughts on “What Not to Wear: Max Effort Edition

    1. best place to be reading this, love it. And honestly, I really did appreciate the gift certificate–I’m really glad I had an excuse to buy more underwear. A lot of mine is from high school, good god.

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