I thought I’d throw out a small post regarding the state of things in my lifting. While my lifting goes quite well, I continue to not be in the best place mentally regarding what I’m doing with my body. I think if I had not spent a year defining myself very specifically as a 105 and 114-er, I wouldn’t be going through what feels kind of like a “sport shock” right now. Based on what I do, desiring to put on mass to be stronger is not in and of itself illogical. But I’m so conflicted by how it feels to “regress” in a competitive way in relation to the idea of actually competing in weight classes that it overshadows the progress I see in my lifting.
Continuing this post’s theme of honesty, I feel intensely unattractive almost all the time. I break this awareness into several levels–the “non-lifting, societal engagement” level and the “lifting community” level. I now move faster than ever towards being a mediocre blob of a physical specimen in both territories. I don’t relish it.
I absolutely wish I could be more positive about all of it. Rah rah, this is for my greater good, maybe in few years it will pay off on all levels, I should just exist inside my own little mental bubble in which comparison, as I’ve written about in a prior post, is not an option.
Not today. Not for the past many days. My final injection of honesty here is that I don’t even really feel like keeping this blog up. It now feels like an attempt at false hubris–an attempt I can’t even get behind right now.